Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.