Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
The three genders
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?