Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Getting married soon just need a spouse

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

😩😩😩

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live