The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.