The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?