The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
You Might Also Like
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”