The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
my sentiments exactly
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.