The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
You Might Also Like
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
And then there were 4
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine