The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.