The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us