The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir