Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!