Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

What the dentist sees

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.