Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

adam and eve had first world problems

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.