The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
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Whoa 😂
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Brb my Sims are getting married
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
