Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1190851975891558401/pu/vid/1280x720/eZ4uBag713lMbGXM.mp4?tag=10

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

me hooking up with my ex

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.