Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

When you let grandma cat sit

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.