Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Feel. He’s so soft.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.