(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
For real 🤣
