(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Wise advice
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same