(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
j o i m p
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Ironic
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
