The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Poetry is my passion
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…