The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up