If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Whisper out to librarians!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
giddy up Office Depot
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.