The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
💀😭
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
i want it utterly assaulted.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”