The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
Oops 🤭
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though