The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
no
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
As per my previous tablet…
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal