The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You Might Also Like
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?