Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

look at me when i’m typing to you

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

i was dropped as an adult

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*