The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I saw this ending much differently.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans