The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]