Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

aesthetic

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.