The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours