The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
no refunds
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Any refunds available?…
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?