The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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the way this pissed me off… 😭
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
When I snag the last meatball.
