The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
This trial is so absurd 😭
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs