The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.