The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
oppen heimer style lol
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip