the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom