the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.