the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
me at the job i begged god for
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
wow he looks just like him
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.