Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

If only.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.