The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Butt weight. There’s more!
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.