The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
