The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Dishonest mechanic?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Seek kebab; not attention
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
This makes total sense…
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.