Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Pandas 🐼🖤

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)