The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Hey I worked for it too!
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs