@man_spach

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

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@Sultani_Sails

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

@GrantTanaka

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

@HomeWithPeanut

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

@SaddestTiger

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

@SaraMansford

I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to drop an anvil on.

@yashar

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

@maybetomhanks

god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel