Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]
HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to drop an anvil on.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel