Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop