Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.