Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.