The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts