The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.