{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”