Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.