Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17