The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!