The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.