The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I鈥檓 moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they鈥檒l tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
This was the best day of my life
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you鈥檙e jumping into a pool without the pool.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.