Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”