The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”