Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

*Inspirational Tweets*

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.