Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

New tinder profile pic

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Erm I’m gonna say no

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert