The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
New tinder profile pic
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.