Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

#Caturday

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up