Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Great acting.. 😂

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.