“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Those are good neighbors.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds