“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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Okay this one takes it home
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.