“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
You Might Also Like
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
not seeing the problem
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
True
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
(grounding my kid) go outside.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.