The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me