The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon