The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
A friend helps you before you need it
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Easy enough.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
