The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
problems i need
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing