The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.


Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.


Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?


*4yo comes in from garden with worm*


*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*


That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.


*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You’re embarrassing. Me: Swag.


[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]


My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’


A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.