The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?