The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
my nickname in college
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways